It’s probably best if I don’t write right now. I am way past frustrated. This blog is intended to be a source of inspiration and encouragement for others walking a similar path. I’m not sure I am up to inspiring  or encouraging anyone right now which brings me to the point of today’s message.

What do you do when you are frustrated beyond belief?

Remember those posters from years ago with a cat hanging from a rope? The rope had a knot in it and the cat was barely hanging on. The caption said something like, ‘When you get to the end of your rope, hang on.’ I don’t like that poster. What’s the point? Hang on for what?

I don’t think hanging on is going to do me any good. I don’t think hoping and wishing things were different is actually going to change anything. Well, maybe it will change my perspective but for now I don’t even see that.

Josiah stayed home for a couple hours this morning. A lady from the county came to our house to meet him and work with him a bit. She showed me how to teach Josiah to use an activity schedule book. Great idea, in theory. He really wanted nothing to do with it. But that part wasn’t so bad.

The bad part was when she left and I had to take him back to school. Josiah refused to get in the van. He screamed instead and threw himself to the ground. It was a battle just to walk the short distance from the backdoor to the driveway.

He was calm during the ride, but once we pulled in the school parking lot and I opened the door, the screaming began again. Josiah refused to get out of the van. I tried dangling Mardi Gras beads in front of him. Mardi Gras beads are his favorite. He loves to walk and drag them behind him. Usually. Not today though. He grabbed the beads and hurled them out into the parking lot.

I unbuckled Josiah and pulled him from his seat. He clung to me fiercely. What does all this mean? What is bothering this sweet boy? I lowered him to the ground and then began the wrestling match which has become our mode of operation lately when I need Josiah to walk anywhere.

By the time we made it into the school I was exhausted. The school secretaries heard us coming well before they ever saw us. We dragged our way into the office and they announced over Josiah’s shrieks, ‘His teacher is on her way.’ Josiah loves his teacher. I joke with her that I need a mask of her face. If I wear it around the house maybe Josiah will be more compliant at home. He always works better for her than for me. Not today.

She had to wrestle with him to get him to walk as well. An aide came in to help her. I’m guessing she must have heard him from down the hall and knew extra reinforcements were necessary. After an initial struggle, Josiah’s teacher ended up scooping him up and carrying him down the hall into the classroom.

Not a great way to leave my son. After struggling to get out of the house and into the van, then out of the van and into the school, I barely had a second to say goodbye to him. He wasn’t listening anyway. He was too busy screaming and fighting.

I composed myself long enough to mention to the school secretaries, Josiah’s teachers need a raise. I smiled in their direction and commented, “Double their salaries”, as Josiah was hauled out of the office.

Once I got outside the tears started to flow. It’s not supposed to be this hard. This is not what I signed up for. I have been trying to make the best of every situation concerning Josiah that has surfaced for the past 9 years and believe me there have been many, many situations. When is it going to get easier? When will we have some type of normalcy?

How can this be right? Is dragging my son to school and then home from school going to be standard operation from here on out? I’m not sure I can do that to him, or to me.

I knew this wasn’t going to be the right time to post on the blog today. All I keep thinking of is a line from a Judith Viorst book I loved to read to my Kindergarten class years ago, ‘Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day’. In the book Alexander has an awful day. Nothing goes right for him. All seems to be going great for his brothers though.  Alexander is overwhelmed with frustration. He wants to move to Australia.

Maybe that’s a plan. Maybe I should just move to Australia. Maybe life would be easier there. The book ends with a revelation for Alexander. Some days are just terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. Even in Australia.

Maybe I’ll try Hawaii.