It’s getting worse.  I showed up at the hospital with a balloon, a ‘string’ toy and some other goodies from home.  Josiah’s immediate reaction to me entering his room was agitation.  I can’t be sure but I think he grunted.  He got up off the bed, pushed me out of the way and signed ‘finished.’

I asked about his night, I asked about his morning and I asked about his general mood.  The assistant in the room with him said he had been doing well.  As I stood talking with her, he once again got off the bed, pushed me away and signed ‘finished’.  Each of his attempts to get me away from him was followed by an instant punch to his head.  It went like this, push, ‘finish’, punch.

Taking the hint, I told the assistant I would walk down the hall to a family restroom to give him a chance to calm down.  A volunteer who had been singing while playing a musical instrument outside the door of another patient was walking in the hallway. Josiah loves music so I asked if he had been to Josiah’s room or was planning to visit him.  He looked at his list. Josiah’s name was not on it but he said he could visit him right away.  Such a sweet man. Maybe this would help calm Josiah a bit.

As we walked towards Josiah’s room I casually mentioned my son was a bit grumpy today and not to take it personally though clearly I was taking it extremely personally.  The music man set his stuff down in the room and with a soft, comforting voice introduced himself to Josiah and began explaining what he planned to do.  Josiah was just sitting on his bed, not looking at the man but not pushing him away either.  I stood off in the far corner of the room.

‘We Will Rock You’ blared loudly from a speaker as the man played maracas to the beat.  He encouraged Josiah to clap along.  Josiah ignored him, but began bouncing on his bed.  I think he liked it.  I gently approached, took Josiah’s hands and clapped them for him.  When I stopped, he put his hands back up for me to help him clap some more.  It all happened very fast.  The man explained he would be back every Tuesday and he would be sure to visit Josiah each time.

As soon as he left, Josiah got up off the bed, pushed me out the door and closed it behind me.  I stayed out for a few minutes.  When I went back in again, I crept quietly, hoping not to draw attention to myself.  I planned to sneak past his bed to the couch by the window.  If I sat out of view, maybe he wouldn’t notice and I could observe him for a while.  Who was I kidding? That boy could tell I was there the instant I tiptoed in the door.

This time he more adamantly pushed me out and SLAMMED the door in my face.  I had only actually been in Josiah’s room with him for a very short time and apparently it was too long for him.  I reentered to tell the assistant I was going to leave since clearly the repeated punches to his head were leaving red marks and me being there was not in Josiah’s best interest.  Josiah ran to the couch, grabbed my purse and overnight back and tossed them in my arms.

This non verbal boy was communicating loud and clear.  Mom, get out!!  I gave him a quick hug (surprisingly he let me) and left the room.  It was all I could do to keep from crying down the long hallway and out the door.  What has happened to my loving, affectionate (when he’s not in a spiraling out of control state) sweet son?

The assistant was allowed to stay.  The Music Man was allowed to stay.  Mom wasn’t.  From what I hear no one else agitates him quite like this. Why is he so angry with me?  Does he feel abandoned?  I left a message for the psychiatrist to call me.  I want some answers. What is going on with my boy?

I already have 2 extremely independent teenagers at my house who spend a great deal of time in their rooms.  I am certainly not ready for Josiah to join them.