Josiah went into the hospital August 29th. Every day since then I have kept an over night bag packed. Every morning, as if on vacation, I pull my make up bag out of it to get ready for the day. Then I plop it right back in. Every day when I go to see Josiah I take it with me. I have everything inside I might need should I spend the night.

It seems like a joke at this point. With Josiah’s increased agitation I barely get a 5 minute visit let alone a lengthy one. Maybe toting the bag in and out of his room every day gives me hope.  It seems like such a silly thing but offers a morsel of comfort.  Having pj’s, a toothbrush and other essentials helps me feel confident I can be there for Josiah, no matter how long he needs me.

Funny it’s the very bag he tossed at me when he wanted nothing to do with me.  He knows that bag means mom is here, not planning to go anywhere.  If the bag goes, she will follow. This kid with such limited ability to express himself has more perception and intelligence than we often give him credit for. He knew exactly what he was doing when his attempts to push me out of the room weren’t working.

I’m sure he was thinking I was just not getting the message, though having a door slammed in your face is pretty explicit. He must have thought I needed him to communicate it more clearly. Grabbing my purse and tote bag left no room for error.  I wonder what he would have done had that not been effective?  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want to frustrate Josiah by any means, but it would have been interesting to see what the next step would have been for him.  Had he not been repeatedly hurting himself in the process, I might have waited him out, just to see.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, Josiah is a clever kid.  He’s a problem solver.  When he wants something he will go to great lengths to get it.  I recall a time when he was quite young. He wanted to watch the turtles in an aquarium up high on a tall dresser.  Josiah scoured the room and found some books.  He set them down, climbed up and got a glimpse at the turtles. At the time we had no idea Josiah could reason things out like that.

We used to use an infinity scarf to secure the lever door handles of his bedroom so Josiah wouldn’t wander out of the house or through the house, unattended at night.  It took him 20 minutes the first time, but he sat and wriggled the handles, stuck his little hand through the small opening and worked to unwrap the scarf and release himself from his room. The next time he did it in under 10.  We stopped using the scarf.

So I know Josiah has a grasp on some of what is happening to him.  I’m sure he’s aware his life is drastically different and it doesn’t seem lately as if he likes it. Though we tell him he will be coming back home, I’m not sure he is comforted by that or even understands it completely.

When we were little and one of us was sick my mom would always say, “I wish I could trade places with you”.  I always thought that was so silly.  Why would anyone want to be sick when they weren’t?  When you become a parent, you understand completely. My heart aches that Josiah is going through this.

I would trade places with him in a nano second.