As 2015 came to a close, I for one, couldn’t be happier.  Comments on social media uttered what a great year it had been for so many and quite frankly, I’m a wee bit jealous.

Last January, I added this timeline to my Facebook wall.

Who was I kidding?  Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part.  Maybe I was simply being overly optimistic.  Honestly, I was just deluding myself.

I live in this house.  I know the challenges we face.  I am painfully aware of the obstacles each day brings.  I just wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of hurdles laid out before us.  It was a rough year.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve always loved a challenge.  My competitive spirit and ever deepening faith allow me to imagine we are invincible and with God on our side, anything is possible. Hence the proclamation, Epic Adventures Await!

Lately though and I’m sure this is largely due to sleep deprivation, I’m beginning to feel defeated. Not so great for someone who is supposed to be embracing the blessing; who hopes to inspire and encourage, not dwell on challenges; who wants to share wonder and find humor, not focus on barriers; who desires to be grateful and full of hope, not defeated or overwhelmed.

I guess I just got a little off track.

Josiah is getting bigger and increasingly stronger.  He is even more determined than I am to ‘win’ when a line is crossed in the sand.  I stand my ground as long as I can, but in the wee hours of the morning when my bear hug embraces (with legs straddled around his) aren’t working to calm him to sleep, I inevitably give in for lack of strength.  He wins.

This past month since Josiah came home from the hospital has been extremely different than I envisioned. Knowing he was away from home for 10 LONG weeks for medication to be tweaked and behaviors to be addressed, I felt sure he would rejoin the family a calmer, more compliant kid.

Wrong again.  At first, it was better.  He followed his daily picture schedule, working through his routine with assistance as needed. He was happy.  He slept well.  He even napped twice a day.

Very quickly, that all changed.  We are now at a point where his self injurious behaviors are alarmingly frequent, where his aggressive behaviors now include punching and kicking and where his sleep schedule is so out of whack I actually started drinking coffee.  I hate coffee.

Others are advising it’s time to ‘place’ him somewhere, maybe for a year or 2.  Caring family and friends are suggesting home is not the right environment for him anymore.

If I remove myself emotionally from the picture and see things as an outsider looking in, I know they are right.  I know trying to work through all the issues we are facing is crazy and virtually impossible.  I see how this is impacting our lives and our relationships.  Everything is rapidly declining.

But this is my son.  How do you give up on someone you love with all your heart?

How could anyone ever care for him as deeply as we do or want what’s best for him anymore than we do? For me, ‘placing’ Josiah somewhere is a cop out.  I can’t do it.

God didn’t give us Josiah and then abandon us.  He is doing a work here.  If He could expedite things a little, I’d be eternally grateful because it’s not the path I would have chosen.  It’s a path often times I wish I could change.  But it’s the path we are on and I aim to make the best of it.

Sleep is highly over rated anyway. I can learn to love coffee.